“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion”

— Dale Carnegie:

When I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show one day recently, Mitch Albom, author of For One More Day was her guest.  She was producing the TV movie from this book.  It is about a loser-type guy who gets the opportunity to be with his mother one more day even though she has died.  Oprah asked some celebrities and others if they could have one more day with someone who has died who they would choose and why.

I was struck by the intensity of the emotion and the reasons given as people talked about what they would say.  I was especially struck by a re-occurring thought:  “Why didn’t they say those things when the person was alive?”

If I love someone, I tell him or her.  If I am angry with someone, I think about why and make sure I am clear about those feelings – and, then, I think of a sensitive, appropriate way to say something to that person.  Am I all that unusual?  I started discussing this subject with a few of my friends and the responses lead me to believe that many people are uncomfortable about feelings and unsure of the reaction they will get from others when they express those feelings.

I suppose that is where Dale Carnegie’s quote comes in.  Emotions are tricky.

My thoughts are this:  Life has plenty of challenges; why add regret?  I really want to shake some people and tell them to communicate!
If something a spouse, significant other, friend, co-worker, or anyone who has said or done something that leaves you feeling insecure or upset, think about your reaction.  Think about whether or not you might be over sensitive.  Think about what part you may have in his or her comment being made to you.  Then, let that person know you have something that is  important to you that you want to say or discuss with him or her.  Be sure not to accuse that person of anything.  Your purpose is not to make that person wrong or for you to be right.  Your purpose is to communicate.  You want that person to know how his or her action or comment made you feel.  You may also want to ask for clarification about something you might have said or done to provoke his or her action or comment.

The fact is that although it may seem that people are uncomfortable discussing feelings, the benefit of connecting through communication and mutual understanding far outweighs the discomfort.  We all have come to know that holding in feelings and creating the accompanying stress causes health problems, fatigue, resentment, self-recrimination, self-doubt, distraction, etc. 

Okay, I can accept that people experience fear when they think they must confront.   If the interaction is done with forethought and consideration, telling someone how you feel does not have to feel like confrontation.  It can truly feel like an act of love whether the other person is a friend, relative, acquaintance, etc. 

Getting back to Mitch Albom’s concept of spending a day with a loved one who has passed away and the opportunity to say something you might not have said when that person was alive, I might regret something not said to my Dad.  Since I do not believe there is any benefit in regret, I carefully monitor myself for that emotion. I see no point wasting energy on what is not positive or good for anyone.

My Dad died from Multiple Myeloma, a cancer of the plasma cell, and near death, the patient continues more and more to be unable to breathe until he grasps for one more breath and dies.  I was with my Dad in his hospital room for quite some time.  However, just as it seemed his lack of breath was worse than ever, I ran out of the room to call for help.   Since then, on occasion, I admonished myself because just then, while I was out of the room, he died. 

I was so close with my Dad and was crazy mad for him.  He was my dad, my mentor and my friend.  My Dad and I worked together and had lunch together about three or four times a week.  Boy, did we talk.  We, of course, talked about business a lot.  We talked about our daily lives, our relatives, friends, politics, current events, movies, books, and just about anything.  We knew for eight years that he was sick and there was nothing I felt was left unsaid.  We had such a good, strong, clear relationship As he became more and more ill, we talked a lot about his dying.  For instance, my Dad told me, for whatever reason, that he did not want to die in bed. 

So, as it came to the end, he weakly whispered in my ear, and let me know I was to move him.  Although I felt that he had absolutely no strength left whatsoever, I helped him from his hospital bed to a chair.  That is when it became clear he would soon take his last breath, and I leapt from the room calling for a doctor or nurse.  The thought has entered my mind…if I could, I would tell him I am sorry I left him alone. 

Quickly then, I play my mental tape recorder in reverse, and erase that thought.  For one thing, I know he knows that.  For another, I know he knows I love him and would have done anything to comfort him.  I am not saying that I wouldn’t love one more day with my father or that anyone would not love one more day with a loved one.  I am saying; don’t wait until someone has died to say what you want to say.   Especially if you want to say, “I love you!”